Skills Notes

• Core Mindfulness (p. 49)
• Mindfulness (p. 46)
• Goals of Mindfulness Practice (p. 45)
• Wise Mind (p. 50 - 52)
• "What" Skills (p. 53 - 59)
• How" Skills (p. 60 - 63)


• Interpersonal Effectiveness (p. 117)
• Factors That Get in the Way (p. 118)
• Countering Myths (p. 119)
• Clarifying Goals and Priorities (p. 124)
• Objectives Effectiveness: DEAR MAN (p. 125, 127)
• Relationship Effectiveness: GIVE (p. 128)
• Self-Respect Effectiveness: FAST (p. 130)
• Applying DEAR MAN to a difficult interaction (p. 127)
• Recovering From Invalidation (p. 158 - 160)
• Factors to Consider (p. 132, 133)
• Troubleshooting Use of Interpersonal Skills (p. 134, 135)
• Finding and Getting People to Like You (p. 140)
• Ending Relationships Effectively (p. 145 - 146)
• Increasing Chance of Behaviours You Want (in another person) (p. 161,  162)


• Walking the Middle Path (p. 149)
• Dialectics (p. 150 - 153)
• Being Mind and Doing Mind (p. 71 - 73)
• Problems with Being Mind and Doing Mind
• Balancing Opposites (p. 74)


• Emotion Wheel


• Emotion Regulation (p. 205)
• The Goal of Emotion Regulation (p. 205)
• What Emotions Do For You (p. 210)
• Some things that can make it difficult to regulate emotions (p. 211 - 212)
• Model for Describing Emotions (p. 213)
• Check the Facts (p. 228)
• RAIN
• Opposite Action (p. 230 - 231)
• Opposite Action Troubleshooting
• Problem Solving (p. 241 - 244)


• Reducing Vulnerability to Emotion Mind (p. 247)
• Benefits of Reducing Vulerability to Emotion Mind
• Accumulating Positive Emotions (p. 248)
• Build Mastery (p. 256)
• Cope Ahead (p. 256)
• PLEASE (p. 257)
• Mindfulness of Emotions (p. 264)
• Managing Extreme Emotions (p. 265)


• Distress Tolerance (p. 326)
• Definition of a Crisis (p. 326)
• STOP (p. 327)
• TIPP (p. 329 - 332)
• Pros & Cons (p. 328)
• Distract with ACCEPTS (p. 333)
• Self-Soothing (p. 334)
• IMPROVE the Moment (p. 336)
• Radical Acceptance (p. 342 - 344)
• Turning the Mind (p. 345)
• Willingness vs. Willfulness (p. 346)
• Half-Smiling, Willing Hands (p. 347 - 349)
• Mindfulness of Thoughts (p. 350)

Do you need more practice with certain skills? Look at the top of the indicated page in the book for the homework worksheet page(s) associated with that skill.

Mindfulness is...

• Being open to all experiences, whether they're perceived as good or bad
• Intentionally being present
• Bringing one's self back to the present again and again, without judgment when wandering away into the future or past
• Non-attachment, non-clinging, not wishing things were different or resisting change
• Accepting reality with eyes wide open, not turning away from it: openness
• Just this step, just this breath, just this moment's struggle, which you have the strength to bear
• Not having a goal in mind when you practice: the goal of mindfulness practice is not to feel better right now, although that may happen
• Remember that mindfulness practice requires just that, practice, to experience the benefits
• Mindfulness may be practiced deliberately by doing things like yoga (mindful movement)

Goals of Mindfulness Practice

• Reduce suffering and increase happiness
• When practiced deliberately over a period of time, mindfulness practice helps with emotion regulation and increases positive emotions
• Be present for your life, be present with the people around you
• Not being distracted, or stuck in, e.g. worry or anxiety ("What do they think about me?")
• Reduce mindlessness
• Let go of expectations. Most of the negative things we imagine never happen
• Realize the present situation for what it is
• Even if it seems worse, the present situation is usually in the middle on a scale of 1-10
• Deal with what can actually be solved right now
• Thinking about future problems or past mistakes often serves no useful purpose
• Be aware of your needs, so that you can attend to them
• If you attend to, e.g. hunger with food, loneliness by spending time with others, you're less vulnerable to the extremes of emotion mind

Wise Mind

• ...is a balance between Rational Mind and Emotion Mind
• ...where you can access the wisdom of both
• ...is the "Middle Path"
• It's possible to feel emotions, and act on them, without being fully in Emotion Mind
• In Wise Mind, you can make what you know is the right choice, even if it's difficult
• Be careful not to confuse Wise Mind & Rational Mind. Wise Mind takes emotions into account

"What" Skills

• ...are meant to be used one at a time.

• Observing (p. 53-57)
• ...is wordless watching, without describing, using your senses
• ...is being aware of what's going on, within and around us: sensations, sights, sounds...
• ...is staying in touch with what's within and around you and staying in the present
• ...is being aware of what is, so you can be effective and problem solve, rather than just trying to ignore what bothers you, which just keeps you stuck

• Describing (p. 53, 58)
• ...is putting words to just what you can observe, i.e. just the facts
• ...is how you can communicate to others and "paint a picture" of your experience to them
• When done properly, helps distinguish between facts and opinions/interpretations
• Labelling your emotions helps you regulate your responses to them
• Labelling puts a bit of distance between you and your emotion
• If you can name it, that is, identify what it is, you can tame it

• Participating (p. 53, 59)
• Becoming one with what you're doing, throwing yourself into it
• Use both your intuition and Wise Mind
• Be spontaneous!

"How" Skills

• ...may be used all at once, or not

• Non-Judgmentally (p. 60, 61)
• Observe, without evaluating (as good or bad)
• Describe, sticking to just the facts - what you can observe with your senses
• You may also describe the consequences of the event, and your feelings about it
• Accept both the sun and the rain, the pleasant and unpleasant
• When you find yourself judging, don't judge your judging.
• Observe and label judgmental thoughts: "I just had a judgmental thought."
• Write out non-judgmental descriptions of event(s) that prompted an emotion
• Try to count judgmental thoughts throughout the day, on paper, using a golf counter...
• Be less rigid with yourself, less critical of mistakes that really weren't that big: not making a mountain out of a molehill
• Being aware of "I should" thoughts

• One-Mindfully (p. 60, 62)
• Be completely present in this moment: rivet yourself to Now
• Do one thing at a time: when you are walking, walk. When you are eating, eat.
• Concentrate on the thing you are doing. When distractions arise, such as thoughts about the past or future, come back to the present moment, again and again
• Focus on saying the word "one" with each exhale, or focus on your breath; keep bringing your attention back when it wanders, without judgment

• Effectively (p. 60, 63)
• Be mindful of your goals in this situation, and what's necessary to achieve them
• Focus on what works; on being skillful
• Let go of "sitting on your hands" and being willful: if I have to do it, then I will

Factors that get in the way of Interpersonal Effectiveness

• You don't know what you want
• Goals/objectives not clear
• Not sure how to balance own needs with the other person's
• Your emotions are getting in the way
• You forget long-term goals for short-term goals
• Other people
• Skill testing people, people who have authority over you,
• Your own thoughts and beliefs
• e.g. myths, such as, "I don't deserve to get what I want," or "They don't deserve for me to use skills and treat them fairly." (p. 119)

Countering myths

• Do a thought record
• Notice cognitive distortions and challenge them
• Check the facts (p. 228)
• Do these thoughts fit the facts of the situation? Is there evidence that they're true?
• Opposite action, e.g. "Asking for help is weak, and they'll just say no" - ask them anyway
• Cope ahead: make a plan in case things do go wrong
• See other skills - Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation

Clarifying Goals and Priorities

• Objectives: Getting what you want
• What should I do/say to have the best chance of getting it?
• Relationship: Keeping and improving the relationship
• Self-Respect: Maintaining or improving my self-respect
• Remember to keep in mind short-term versus long-term goals
• Rank these three objectives and use as many of the following skills as necessary/possible

Objectives Effectiveness: DEAR MAN

• Describe
• Stick to the facts - what would a fly on the wall see?

• Express
• ...your feelings, opinions about the situation (don't assume they know how you feel)

• Assert
• Ask for what you want, or say no, clearly.

• Reinforce
• What's in it for them? Positive consequences if they listen to you, or negative if they don't
• Remember to reward desired behaviour after the fact

• Stay Mindful (p. 126)
• Stay focused on goals. Don't get distracted or go off topic. Use broken record (repeat your Assert and/or Reinforce), ignore attacks and insults

• Appear Confident
• Body language, eye contact, voice, words (no "I'm not sure"...)

• Negotiate
• Be willing to give to get. Offer/ask for solutions to the problem. Reduce your request if necessary. If saying no, offer an alternative. Turn the tables: ask them for solutions.

Relationship Effectiveness: GIVE

• Be Gentle
• Be nice and respectful. No attacks, threats, judging, disrespect. No angry body language.

• Act Interested
• Body language. Think about how they see things. You may have to act interested

• Validate (p. 129)
• Pay attention: Look, act, and actually be interested
• Reflect back: Say what you heard them say (paraphrase) to be sure you understand
• "Read minds": Be sensitive to body language, tone of voice, emotion. Reflect this back.
• Understand: Given their history or the situation, how does their reaction make sense?
• Acknowledge the valid: How does their behaviour fit the facts?
• Show equality: Treat them as an equal, not fragile or incompetent, or better than you.

• Use an Easy manner
• Smile, be light-hearted, make a humorous comment, don't have attitude or be too serious.

Self-Respect Effectiveness: FAST

• Be Fair
• Don't put your own needs last, or ignore theirs. They/I can ask, and I/they can say no.

• No Apologies
• Only apologize when it fits the facts, not for making a valid request; don't over-apologize

• Stick to Values
• Don't sell yourself out. Stick to your guns. But don't see everything as your "hill to die on."

• Be Truthful
• Don't lie or exaggerate. Don't act helpless when you're not. Don't make up excuses.

Applying DEAR MAN to a difficult interaction

• Focus on the other person's behaviour right now
• Remember to stick to the facts and avoid absolutes like "You NEVER..."

• Describe the current interaction
• If staying Mindful doesn't work (broken record, ignoring attacks) then make a Describe statement about the current interaction, without ascribing motives - stick to the facts
• e.g. "You keep asking me over and over, even though I've said no several times..."

• Express feelings or opinions about the interaction
• If the interaction is making you uncomfortable, express that
• e.g. "It's becoming uncomfortable for me to continue discussing this. I'm starting to feel angry about it."

• Assert wishes in the situation
• If being pestered, ask them to stop it. If they're refusing a request, ask to put the discussion off until another time
• e.g. "Please don't ask me again. My answer won't change." or "Let's take some time to cool down, and then get together to figure out a solution."

• Reinforce
• Suggest ending the conversation if being pestered. If asking them to do something, suggest that you'll come up with a better offer later.
• e.g. "Let's stop talking about this now. This is just going to get frustrating for both of us."

Remember to be clear & concise when doing a DEAR MAN!

Recovering from Invalidation

• Pay attention: Observe emotions, body sensations, thoughts...
• Describe: Stick to the facts of what's going on inside and outside of you.
• Understanding: How does my behaviour make sense, given my history, my vulnerability factors
• Acknowledge the valid: How does my behaviour fit the facts of the situation?

Factors to Consider (when asking for something, or saying "No")

• The other person's, or your own, capability
• Your priorities
• The effect of your actions on your self-respect
• Your or the other person's moral and legal rights in the situation
• Your authority over the other person (or theirs over you)
• The type of relationship you have with the person
• The effect of your action on long-term versus short-term goals
• The degree of give and take in your relationship
• Whether or not you've done your homework to prepare (what are you getting into, or asking?)
• The timing of your request or refusal

Troubleshooting Use of Interpersonal Skills

• Sometimes, what you're doing (e.g. DEAR MAN) isn't working how you'd like. Some reasons:
• Lack of skills (lack of knowledge or exposure, lack of practice)
• Unclear on objectives (what do I want from this interaction?)
• Short-term goals interfering with long-term goals
• Find a way (use skills) to get into Wise Mind and figure out the Wise thing to do
• Emotions are too high
• Find a way to bring them down (with skills) e.g. Distress Tolerance
• Worries, assumptions, myths getting in the way
• You may think you already know how the situation will turn out, so why use skills?
• See p. 119 for a list of myths. Look for cognitive distortions (e.g. all or nothing thinking)
• Environment is more powerful than your skills
• Factors outside my control. Skill-testing people.
• Reactions of others if I get what I want, or say no

Finding and Getting People to Like You

• Look for people similar to you: those who share your interests, attitudes
• Express liking (selectively, genuinely)
• Conversation skills
• Ask and respond to questions: respond with a little more info than requested
• When someone else shares, as long as they're not oversharing, share slightly more than they shared. This invites them to share a little more and keeps the conversation going
• Open vs. Closed groups (p. 141)
• Open group:
• Members standing somewhat apart, occasionally glancing around the room
• Talking about a topic of general interest, with gaps in their conversation
• Closed group:
• Members standing close together, attending exclusively to each other, or pairing off
• Animated conversation

Ending Relationships Effectively

Deciding Whether or Not To End It

• Decide whether to end a relationship in Wise Mind, never in Emotion Mind
• Do Pros & Cons
• Destructive relationship: Destroys or completely spoils the relationship, or aspects of yourself: physical safety, self-esteem, integrity, peace of mind
• Interfering relationship: Stops or makes difficult: pursuing important goals, enjoyment of life, relationships with others, welfare of others I care about
• We need to put effort into solving problems in relationships. This is normal
• Don't bail on a new relationship at the first sign of trouble (unless you are in danger)

Ending Relationships Effectively: How to End a Relationship

• In Wise Mind, identify the unresolvable issues
• Write out a DEAR MAN script (remember to GIVE FAST)
• Practice in the mirror, or even better, with a friend
• Cope Ahead: Think of problems that may arise when doing your DEAR MAN
• Describe: The unresolvable problems
• Assert: Make it clear you are ending the relationship
• Reinforce - Why this will be better, for one or both of us
• If they say they don't want to end it: "I think it's best if we end this in a positive way"
• GIVE: Be (or act) interested, validate, be gentle and respectful
• FAST: You want to be able to say to yourself, something like: "Even though I ended it, and I don't feel good about that, I feel good about how I ended it."

• Romantic relationships
• You will likely have to practice Opposite Action to love (p. 237)
• Avoid them, distract from them, remind yourself of why ending it was necessary.
• Avoid contact with them, or anything that reminds you of them

Increasing Chance of Behaviours You Want (in another person)

• Positive reinforcement
• The other person doesn't have to know about it. Reward them after positive behaviour
• Negative reinforcement
• Removing something they don't like, e.g. stop nagging them
• Positive reinforcement is the more effective of the two

• Shaping
• Reinforcing small steps towards the behaviour you want. Two ways:
• Continuous reinforcement: Reinforce the positive behaviour every time
• Once they are reliably doing the positive behaviour, you can switch to...
• Intermittent reinforcement: Reinforce the positive behaviour randomly
• Timing: Reward as soon as possible after their positive behaviour
• Beware that this can be used on you
• e.g. Dating someone who's always nice to you at first, then it becomes intermittent

• Stop reinforcing the behaviour
• Be firm and stick with it, otherwise you're doing intermittent reinforcement
• Be aware that the problem behaviour could get more intense (at first)
• Teach them something that's incompatible with the problem behaviour (can't do both)

Dialectics

• Finding a middle path in: your thinking, your interactions with others, is important
• e.g. Instead of swinging between black and white, finding the grey in between

• Look for both sides: there is always more than one
• Ask Wise Mind: What am I missing here? (Use skills to get into Wise Mind, if necessary)
• Play devil's advocate: try to argue for an opposing point of view
• Ask others for their opinions of the situation
• Where's the kernel of truth (common ground) in the other opinion that I don't agree with?
• Two things can both be true at the same time, even when it seems paradoxical
• Two different people in the same situation may have different points of view about it
• You can love somebody, and be angry at them for what they've done
• Someone can be angry with us, but still love us
• Learn to balance opposites
• Upset that partner is late for dinner due to work, but you admire their ambitious nature, and they actually weren't able to leave early
• Be wary of extremes, or absolute truths, e.g. someone never/always does ______
• Chinese proverb with the farmer - "Maybe so, maybe not. We'll see."
• Things that seem good (or bad) at first may turn out to be otherwise

• Everything and every person is connected
• We constantly affect people and things around us, and are affected by them
• Things (or people) that seem very different often have things in common
• Treat others how you would like to be treated (you can use GIVE skills)

• Change is the only constant
• Practicing Radical Acceptance of change can be very helpful
• Radical Acceptance of a situation you don't like is the first step to changing it
• Remember the Chinese proverb with farmer: "bad" things may turn out to be "good"
• You can practice getting used to change by making small changes on purpose
• Drink tea instead of coffee, sit somewhere different, take a different route, talk to someone you don't usually talk to...

• Change is transactional
• Pay attention to the effects you have on others, and theirs on you
• Yur environment affects you, and you affect it
• All behaviour is caused: think of the causes before jumping to blame

Being Mind and Doing Mind

• Doing Mind:
• Discriminating, comparing, goal-oriented, problem solving
• Thoughts are facts about the world

• Being Mind:
• Present-oriented, curious, letting go of goals, experiencing each moment's uniqueness
• Thoughts are sensations of the mind

• Wise Mind:
• ...the Middle Path
• Detachment from the outcome, while working towards it
• Engaged in activities, while aware of them (e.g. One-Mindfully doing something)
  

Problems with Being Mind and Doing Mind

• Too much Doing Mind and not enough Being Mind:
• Not "stopping to smell the roses": stressed out
• Comparing self to others too much, nothing is ever enough

• Too much Being Mind and not enough Doing Mind:
• Not getting anything done; quality of life suffers; not effective long-term

Balancing Opposites

• Balancing Reasonable Mind & Emotion Mind:
• Regulate actions and make decisions based on reason, while experiencing emotions

• Balancing Doing Mind & Nothing-to-Do Mind:
• Do what is needed in the moment, while fully experiencing and being present for it

• Balancing intense desire for change of the moment with Radical Acceptance of the moment:
• Allow yourself to desire something else, while radically accepting what's here and real now

• Balancing self-denial & self-indulgence:
• Practice moderation & satisfy the senses

The Goal of Emotion Regulation

• The goal of Emotion Regulation is not suppress or avoid emotions, but rather to...
• Increase your conscious awareness of, and control over, your emotions; be able to name them, understand them and their purpose, their associated action urges
• Decrease frequency &/or intensity of emotions you don't want
• Decrease emotional vulnerability and suffering

What do emotions do for you?

• They prepare your body for action. They organize & motivate your behaviour
• They help you communicate with, and influence, others
• They communicate important messages to you

Some things that can make it difficult to regulate emotions

• Biology: We're all wired differently
• Lack of skill: Growing up around unskilled people. Or lack of time spent practising skills
• Reinforcement of emotional behaviour: For example, friends only reach out when we're sad
• Moodiness: Your mood, not Wise Mind, controls your actions. Not wanting to put in the effort.
• Emotional overload: You're at your skills breakdown point
• Emotion myths: For example, believing that feeling emotions is for the weak, or believing that extreme emotions make me who I am or are necessary (p. 212)

Model for Describing Emotions

...and how you can change your emotional response

• Prompting Event: Work to be aware of what "sets you off"
• Interpretation of the Event: Check the Facts
• Vulnerability Factors: You can use PLEASE skills to reduce vulnerability factors
• Biological Changes: You can use TIPP, yoga, meditation, medication, PLEASE skills
• Expressions: If you express your emotions ineffectively, you may feel more negative emotions
• Naming the Emotion: If you can name it, you can tame it!
• Aftereffects: Your emotions may distort your thoughts, leading to more emotions... causing a feedback loop. You can use Opposite Action, or even "just" awareness, to break out of it

Check the Facts

• ...is the cornerstone of Emotion Regulation
• Your interpretation of an event leads to your emotions about it
• Check that your interpretation is accurate
• You'll tend to find interpretations that match your current emotional state
• e.g. Just got a raise, vs. just had a bad performance review
• Leave boss's office, hear coworkers laughing... Are they laughing at a joke, or at me?
• Your emotional state from your meeting with the boss can influence your interpretation

Steps:

1. What's the emotion I want to change? (See Understanding & Labelling Emotions, RAIN)
• If you can name it, you can tame it

2. What's the event promoting this emotion?
• When emotions are high, watch out for: judgments, absolutes, cognitive distortions
• Write down what you think the event is, then go back and check for anything that a fly on the wall wouldn't see: make sure it's a good Describe. Unglue interpretations from facts

3. What am I telling myself about the event: interpretations, thoughts, assumptions?
• What am I telling myself? e.g. "I'm a failure," "I'll never get this right"
• Come up with as many alternative interpretations as you can
• Look for different sides, different points of view, for the situation
• Re-write the facts, if necessary

4. What's the threat here (if any)?
• Label the threat
• What's the chance of the imagined threatening event actually happening?
• Come up with as many alternative outcomes as you can

5. What's the catastrophe (worst-case scenario)?
• If the catastrophe really occurred, how could I cope with it?
• Problem solving, coping ahead, radical acceptance

6. Does my emotion and/or its intensity, duration fit the actual facts?
• Intensity and duration of an emotion are justified by:
• How likely it is that the expected outcome(s) will occur
• How great and/or important the outcomes are
• How effective the emotion is in your life now (Wise Mind, towards long-term goals?)

For examples of emotions that fit the facts, see p. 229

RAIN

• Recognize: Acknowledge you're experiencing the emotion. Don't push away discomfort.
• Acknowledge: Accept the feeling & allow it to be there.
• Investigate: Anger, for example, often includes fear, sadness, helplessness. Explore emotions with a sense of openness and curiosity.
• Non-Identify: Avoid being defined by a feeling, even as you engage with it

Opposite Action

• Use Opposite Action: (Also: p. 242-244)
• When the emotion or its intensity doesn't fit the facts, i.e. the situation doesn't justify it
• When you know the facts of a situation, but that doesn't change the emotion
• e.g. You know the spider can't harm us, but are still fearful
• When acting on the emotion isn't effective, even if the emotion is justified
• When you're avoiding what needs to be done (being willful)

• For things like social anxiety, this involves exposure instead of avoidance
• Avoidance would move you away from your long-term goals and be ineffective
• For anger, you could (gently) avoid the person you're angry with, rather than engaging with them, or you can be kind to them, or even imagine understanding & empathy for them
• Engaging with them (ineffectively) could damage the relationship and also hurt self-respect

• Emotions like to keep themselves going, for example:
• Emotion -> Thoughts -> Action -> More emotion
• Doing the opposite of how you feel can break the feedback loop
• "We are what we repeatedly do..."

Steps:

1. Identify the emotion
• If you're feeling multiple emotions that don't fit the facts, you may have to do an opposite action to each one, unless you can find one action that fits both/all of them
• See p. 214-223 and the Emotion Wheel for help describing emotions


2. Check the Facts!
• See p. 232-240 for help deciding if your emotion fits the facts
• An emotion's name (e.g. fear) can fit the facts, while its intensity does not


3. Identify the action urge
• What does the emotion make you want to do? (Not necessarily the typical urge for the emotion, but what you want to do, right now.)
• Some actions are listed on p. 214-223


4. Ask Wise Mind
• If Wise Mind says acting on the emotion's urge won't be helpful, or doesn't make sense given the facts of the situation... continue to the next step:


5. Identify the Opposite Action to your urge
• This is not the same as opposite feeling. Do the opposite of your action urge, as opposed to doing something to feel the opposite emotion
• e.g. Sad -> Want to withdraw, isolate -> Opposite Action: Go out, socialize
• Opposite Feeling would be to watch a funny movie (Different Emotions - ACCEPTS)
• Doing the opposite breaks you out of the loop, and frees you to do the Wise thing


6. Do Opposite Action all the way
• ...not halfheartedly, not sarcastically, if you want to use the skill properly
• Check your posture, facial expression, thoughts about the action (e.g. "This is stupid...")


7. Keep doing Opposite Action
• ...until the emotion's intensity decreases to a manageable level where it fits the facts
• You may have to keep doing Opposite Action a lot until you notice a change in the emotion
• If not wanting to do Opposite Action, or having trouble doing it all the way: do Pros & Cons
• If it feels "weird" to do Opposite Action, that's normal
• Your actions aren't aligning with your emotional state

Opposite Action Troubleshooting

• When Opposite Action doesn't seem to be working...
• Maybe your emotion does fit the facts
• You may have to Problem Solve instead. Or use Opposite Action and Problem Solving
• Did you really do the Opposite Action to your action urge?
• Did you really do Opposite Action all the way?
• You may need to use other skills first, e.g. Distress Tolerance, to make things manageable
• Don't expect Opposite Action to take an emotion from very high to zero
• If it takes your emotion from an 80 to a 50, that may be enough to be effective
• Using this skill is a practice! That means you have to practice it often

Problem Solving

• Sometimes, the problem really is the problem - not your thoughts or emotions about it
• The facts of the situation justify your emotions
• That means you need to Problem Solve
• If habitually avoiding a situation (where Opposite Action isn't appropriate) due to strong emotions leads you away from a life worth living, Problem Solving could be very helpful

Steps:

1. Recognize there is a problem, and describe the problem situation
• Describe the situation (stick to the facts) and why it's a problem
• Describe any obstacles in the way of being effective


2. Check all the facts
• Be sure you're responding to an actual problem, not your own interpretation/thoughts
• You may need to use skills (e.g. Distress Tolerance, Radical Acceptance) in order to see the situation clearly
• Are you missing anything: are there facts about the situation you don't know?
• Are you adding anything to the situation that's not really there?
• This step may take some work: if you were in Emotion Mind at the previous step, your description could be full of judgments, interpretations, other things that aren't facts


3. Identify your goal
• What needs to happen, or change, for you to feel okay?
• Be specific. Keep it simple, keep it realistic
• What is under your control? What can you do?


4. Brainstorm lots of solutions
• ...even silly or unfeasible ones! They may lead to good ideas that are feasible
• At this stage, we're not evaluating ideas. We're just coming up with them


5. Prioritize solutions
• Choose your top two and do a Pros & Cons on them, unless one solution is clearly the best


6. Put the solution into action!
• Just start with the first step. Then the second...
• You may need to use other skills (Willingness vs. Willfulness, Check the Facts...) if you find yourself unwilling to try the solution, or are telling yourself it won't work, for example


7. Evaluate the outcome
• You may need to go back to Step 5, or even Step 4, if it didn't work
• If another emotion comes up, or Problem Solving didn't work, may need to return to Step 1

For a summary of Justifying Events, Opposite Action & Problem Solving, see pages 242 - 244

Benefits of Reducing Vulerability to Emotion Mind

• When you're vulnerable to emotion mind...
• You're more likely to experience strong emotions, especially unpleasant ones
• Unpleasant emotions ramp up quicker
• You're more likely to react to situations in ways that are ineffective and unhelpful
• If you're already sad, irritated, etc. it doesn't take much to "break the camel's back"
• Reducing Vulnerability skills are like a vitamin, or healthy food, to maintain good health
• Other skills are like an Advil or medicine for acute pain

Accumulating Positive Emotions (and Avoid Avoiding)

• Do one thing now (daily) that brings up positive emotions. See list of ideas in book (p. 249-251)
• e.g. Some kind of hobby, listening to favourite music, a nice hot shower/bath/sauna, favourite foods, spend time with friends, go for a walk in nature/the park
• Avoid avoiding: practice Opposite Action if you have resistance to practicing
• Practice this skill intentionally, one-mindfully!
• Like other skills, this is a practice. Incorporate pleasant events daily!
• Beware of worries or barriers to practicing, such as...
• Being preoccupied with when the pleasant experience will end
• "I don't deserve to do this" -> Check the Facts: Where is it written that you don't?
• "I don't have time" - this is important for your well-being. If you have time to eat, sleep, exercise... you can make time for this
• Accumulating Positives has both short-term and long-term (if done regularly) positive effects
• Positive emotions are self-reinforcing. Start a positive feedback loop!

Steps:

1. Avoid avoiding: Do it now!


2. Identify values, and what a life worth living looks like (see list of values: p. 253-255)
• What do you have to do to live by your values?
• What are your highest priorities in life? What direction do you want your life to go in?
• What's in your life now that you don't want to lose?
• What things of value are missing from your life?
• Your values allow you to put up with the mundane to move yourself in the right direction
• Satisfying, supportive, enduring relationships are very important for happiness


3. Identify one value to work on now
• This isn't the only value you want to move towards, but rather, a place to start
• In which ways does your life not fit with your values?
• Do you consistently behave in ways that align with Wise Mind values?
• Where do you need to make changes to live in accordance with your values?


4. Identify a few goals related to this value (p. 253-255)
• What goals can you work on that will make this value part of your life? Be specific!
• A value does not rest on a single goal: choose more than one


5. Choose one goal to work on now
• Do Pros & Cons, if necessary, to choose a goal to work towards now


6. Identify small action steps towards your goal
• One step at a time: what step can you take now, or very soon? What's under your control?
• Remember to be SMART about setting goals


7. Take one step now

Build Mastery

• Why?
• Makes you feel more: capable, confident. Builds self-esteem, sense of accomplishment
• Can improve mood, help with depression, inoculate against depression

Steps:

1. Practice daily


2. Set reasonable goals that are challenging, but possible
• Lives of failure are lives where expectations are too high
• Aim for a little above where you're at now
• Simply setting the time aside to practice is a start, even if practice is not very productive
• A tiny success is better than a failure: begin by setting small, very achievable goals


3. Gradually increase difficulty over time
• Once you're used to taking time to practice, make practice more deliberate and structured
• Look for a challenge if things start to get too easy

Cope Ahead

• Coping ahead of time with difficult situations
• When to use?
• Fear, anxiety, anger... unpleasant emotions may come up & you may go into Emotion Mind
• You may act in ways that are ineffective, or have done so in similar situations before
• A new situation, uncharted territory
• Urges are likely, e.g. to do something that goes against your values, to do something you're trying to cut down on or quit

Steps:

1. Describe the situation that's likely to prompt problem behaviour or unpleasant emotions
• Check the Facts!
• Name the emotions and actions likely to come up and interfere with skill use


2. Decide which skills and problem-solving strategies you will use to cope
• Be specific: Name the skills, describe in detail how you will use them


3. Imagine yourself in the situation right now, as vividly as possible, coping well
• Imagine yourself in the situation (not watching it)
• Imagine coping well, using skills
• Imagine your thoughts, words, actions: rehearse what you'd think, say and do
• Imagine any new problems that may arise
• Come up with contingency plans: go through the steps of coping well, using skills
• Imagine new emotions that may come up: imagine coping well, using skills
• Imagine coping well with the worst catastrophe
• This means being skillful, despite things not going well!


4. Practice relaxation after rehearsing
• Imagining and relaxing after are crucial. Skipping them means not using the skill as intended
• When appropriate, actually take some of the actions you'd take to rehearse
• e.g. Drive to new job the day before to practice the route & reduce anxiety for the first day

PLEASE

• Taking care of body and mind

• PL - Physical Limits
• Treat physical illness & take care of your body


• E - Balanced Eating
• It's not good to be hangry! Good food is a source of good energy
• "Let your food be your medicine..."


• A - Avoid Mood-Altering Substances
• ...may lead to hangover, shame...
• Learn to cope with negative emotions without these


• S - Balanced Sleep
• Keep a consistent schedule - wake up at roughly the same time each day
• Good sleep hygiene: Relax before bed, turn down the lights, no blue light...


• E - Get enough Exercise
• Exercise regulates body and mind; daily exercise helps with depression (even walking!)

Mindfulness of Emotions

• Observe the emotion, without wanting it to go away or trying to suppress it
• Don't try to hold onto the emotion: let emotions come, stay, go as they naturally do
• Notice if the emotion "wants" you to do something, is influencing your thoughts
• Practice mindfulness of body sensations
• Remember that you are not your emotions: you are the observer, noticing them
• Practice radically accepting your emotion and that you're experiencing it
• Be willing to feel the emotion, without judgment
• Always feeling you have to control your emotions is a form of being controlled by emotions
• It's healthy to be open to feeling emotions as they come and go

Managing Extreme Emotions

• Observe that you may be at your skills breakdown point
• Check the Facts: are you actually at your skills breakdown point?
• If yes, use Distress Tolerance skills (pages 3 - 5) then use Emotion Regulation skills (pages 11 - 18)
• If no, use Emotion Regulation skills
• Return to Mindfulness of Current Emotion
• Are the emotion and its action urges useful? Will it help you be effective?
• Consider Problem Solving or Opposite Action (pages 14, 15)
• When in extreme emotion mind, more primitive parts of the brain (e.g. amygdala) take over from rational decision-making centres in the brain (e.g. prefrontal cortex)

Definition of a Crisis

What is a crisis?

• A situation that is:
• Highly stressful
• Short-term (won't last long)
• Creates intense pressure to resolve the crisis now

• Use these skills when:
• There's intense pain or another problem that can't be helped quickly or solved now
• There's an urge to act on emotions that won't be effective (will make things worse)
• There's a risk of going deep into emotion mind and being ineffective
• You're overwhelmed, yet you have to keep going
• The goal is to be able to tolerate intense emotions, accept reality, and therefore, become free

STOP

• Stop: Freeze! Whatever you're doing, or thinking of doing, put it aside for a moment
• Take a step back: Take a deep breath, take a step back from the situation
• Observe: Observe objectively, without judgments: what's going on inside and outside yourself, your thoughts and feelings, what others are doing or saying and your reaction to that
• Proceed, Mindfully: Once you've taken some deep breaths, put yourself a step back from the situation and really observe what's going on: choose your intention wisely, then proceed

TIPP

• Temperature - Dive reflex (p. 330): Dunk your head underwater and hold your breath
• Alternatively, take a cold shower, or put an ice pack on the forehead and hold your breath
• Intense exercise - Burn up your body's stored energy. Go for a run, do high-intensity exercise
• Paired muscle relaxation (p. 331) - Following a guided meditation, clench then relax muscles throughout the body, doing a sort of body scan
• Paced breathing - The key is to exhale longer than you inhale. Can use a pattern, e.g. 5-7-8

Pros & Cons

• What are some benefits of acting on your crisis urges? What about drawbacks?
• What are some benefits of being Wise and effective and resisting crisis urges? Drawbacks?
• Make a list of these ahead of time and read it often, so you can quickly recall it in a crisis

Distract with ACCEPTS

• Activities - Do something: Go for a walk, play a game, do a puzzle, clean house, talk to a friend
• Contributing - Give back: Help someone out, volunteer, do something thoughtful
• Comparisons - Remember times when things were going differently. Times when you've felt better (this won't last forever), times when you didn't cope as well (look how far I've come!)
• Different Emotions - Watch a scary, funny or emotional movie, listen to emotional music.
• The key is to choose something that prompts a different emotion than the one you're feeling now
• Pushing away - Leave the situation for a short while. Ignore it for a bit
• Different Thoughts - Do something that requires concentration; read the news; do a puzzle
• Sensations - Eat wasabi, go outside in the cold or rain, take a shower, hold ice cubes

Self-soothing

• ...with your five senses: vision, hearing, smell, taste, touch
• Go for a walk out in nature or in a nice part of town. Look at, listen to, smell surroundings
• Get some special food for a treat: a nice meal, a special snack or some candy, a nice dessert
• Get a massage. Or, take a nice, long, hot shower or bath, or use the sauna or steam room
• Do a body scan, or other meditation, or yoga (don't go in expecting to relax, though) (p. 335)

IMPROVE the moment

• Imagery - Imagine a relaxing scene. Picture how it looks. Imagine being there!
• Meaning - Find meaning in a difficult situation. Remember your values and think of how getting through this situation successfully will put you closer to where you want to be
• Prayer - Meditate; turn things over to a higher power
• Relaxing actions - Do anything relaxing. Be lazy for a bit. Self-soothe
• One thing in the moment
• Brief Vacation - be sure to plan a definite end to your brief vacation: when you finish this cup of tea; when your timer or alarm goes off
• Encouragement & re-thinking the situation - You could use Comparisons here: see previous page under "Distract with ACCEPTS", or p. 333 in the book

Radical acceptance

• Radical means all the way: mind, heart and body
• Acceptance means openness to the facts of reality, as things are now
• Acceptance is not: Approval, compassion or love, passivity or giving in, resisting change, or staying in a dangerous situation
• What are you accepting? The facts (just the facts) of the present reality
• Acceptance is the first step on the way to solving a problem: "This is how it is right now."
• Everyone's future is limited, for example, by...
• Their biology and environment, their past behaviour, known probabilities about the future
• Cause & effect: Changing an effect requires changing the cause
• Accept the past in order to begin working now to change things: "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now."
• Acceptance can change how you feel about a situation for the better
• You may be sad, angry, etc. at first; once that passes, you can move on
• Pain + Resistance = Suffering (Pain is what it is, but you can do something about suffering)
• Red traffic lights happen; wishing it weren't red will not make it turn green any faster
• Skills you can use with Radical Acceptance:
• Opposite Action: Act as if you accept it
• Cope Ahead: Imagine acting as if you accept it
• Pros & Cons of radically accepting reality
• Radical Acceptance step by step: p. 344

Turning the Mind

• ...is choosing to go down the road to acceptance of how things are, even if you can't do it yet
• Acceptance comes and goes: make the choice to commit to (radically) accepting
• Step by step:
1. Observe that you're not accepting
2. Make an inner commitment to accept reality as it is
3. Do it again: each time you have the choice to accept or reject
4. Develop a plan for catching yourself when you drift away from acceptance
• Observe, or look for cues, that you're not accepting, e.g. "This isn't fair"

Willingness vs. Willfulness

• Willfulness is...
• Trying to avoid emotions
• Not doing what's effective; making excuses for not doing it
• Trying to rigidly & ineffectively control a situation; being stubborn

• Willingness is...
• Doing just what's effective, wholeheartedly
• Listening to, then acting from, Wise Mind

• We're wired to avoid pain more than we are to seek pleasure
• When noticing willfulness, ask yourself...
• What's the threat? What do I have to accept if I'm willing? (Check the Facts, Cope Ahead)
• What are the consequences of not doing this? Of doing it? (Pros & Cons)

• Step by step:
• 1. Observe that you're being willful
• 2. Radically accept your willfulness
• 3. Turn your mind towards willingness
• 4. Try a half smile and willing hands (see below)
• 5. If still stuck in willfulness, ask, "What's the threat?"

Half-Smiling, Willing Hands

• ...is accepting reality with your body
• ...is an opposite action for anger
• Your hands and face communicate to your brain; this skill can help change your emotions

• Half-Smiling, step by step:
1. Relax your face from the top of your head down to your jaw, muscle by muscle
• If this is difficult, try tensing and then relaxing muscles
2. Let both corners of your lips go up slightly, just enough for you to feel it
3. Adopt a serene, relaxed facial expression, as best as you can

• Willing Hands:
• Standing: Let your arms hang down from your shoulders...
• Sitting: Place your hands on your thighs or lap...
• Lying down: With your arms by your side...
• ...with hands turned outward & unclenched, with thumbs out to the sides, palms up, fingers relaxed

Mindfulness of Thoughts

• ...is being aware of (Observing) and radically accepting your thoughts
• A belief is a thought, or a number of connected thoughts, often repeated, taken as fact
• Just because you've been telling yourself something for years, doesn't mean it's true
• e.g. "Nobody will like me," "I'm such a screwup," "Things will never work out for me."
• The goal is not a mind empty of thoughts, but rather, to not attach too much to thoughts

Steps:

1. Observe your thoughts, not judging, analyzing or suppressing them
2. Adopt a curious mind, e.g.: where do thoughts come from?
3. Remember that you are not your thoughts.
4. Don't block or suppress thoughts: Let them come and go
• Play with thoughts, e.g.: repeat them out loud in an exaggerated voice